Comparing everyone in your family/click to the 2014-15 NEW YORK KNICKS!
The 2014-15 New York Knicks have once again become the punchline for every NBA related joke – just ask Charles Barkley. Christ, Barkley has even come to the defense of J.R. Smith, who he believes isn’t an idiot anymore because he’s not playing in New York. When J.R. SWISH isn’t an idiot anymore because he’s off your team, that can’t be a good thing. It’s been bad in Gotham City. It’s been so bad that even Phil Jackson is being drilled on -courtesy of Deadspin of course.
So, being a die-hard Knicks fan that I unfortunately am, I couldn’t help but noticed that this year’s team put together by the Zen Master had/has all the elements of your family and click. For anyone that isn’t a loner or part of a goth clan, you’ll recognize the parallels.
**** For the sake of comedy, J.R. Smith will be included.
The community idiot that inherited a ton of money
I could make this short and say “See the movie Tommy Boy or Billy Madison,” in reference to the James Dolan friend we all have, but I’m not going to take the easy road on this.
We all have that friend or acquaintance that has no business running a franchise on Madden much less the townie bar or restaurant he’s purchased with his inheritance money. Or possibly he just has a ton of cash on him because his rich grandparents bit the dust.
You’ve seen this idiot plenty of times stumble around drunk at the bar engaging in sports debates that usually lead to a lot of shouting or the words “you’re an idiot” come out of numerous people’s mouth. This cornball has money, so you see him doing things like playing poker, assembling a band (just like Jimmy D), purchasing dirt bikes/four wheelers and believing he’s a pro at all of this crap.
An early day for this goof is waking up at noon and his room is filled with Dunkin’ Donuts coffee cups. You see “spitters” everywhere from his long cut copenhagen chew to go along nicely with the plethora of empty Bud Light Lime bottles sprawled out on the floor.
Maybe it’s not this bad, but we all know the tool bag that lives the life after failing out of junior college and is prepared to ride into the sunset for the next 40-50 years while splurging a shit ton of cash in the process.
The wise grandpa that is starting to show signs of dementia and/or becoming crazy
Phil Jackson has 13 combined NBA championship rings with several decades of experience in the Association. However, the Zen Master, who will be 70 in September, is starting to look like the wise, old grandpa we all have that is stuck in the past. You know, things like refusing to abandon the archaic triangle, showing up for games when he feels like it and predicting a playoff run only to later admit that his “experiment fell flat on its face” are the type of things that have you scratching your head when it comes to the Zen Master.
This is the equivalent of your grandpa refusing to move on from Morse Code and making the splashy purchase of a cell phone. Better yet, join Facebook…
Alright, I’m kidding with the Morse Code and Facebook references, but you have to admit there is a scary increase of Facebook profiles with a birth date before 1950!
The point is this. We all have the grandparent that is the patriarch of the family that isn’t as sharp has he once was. Maybe it’s just a filter issue as good ol’ grandpa Joe is staring to let his uncensored opinions fly a little more freely along with forgetting what the hell your name is. I guess I shouldn’t eliminate the possibility that the old-timer is entering the bat shit crazy phase of his life. All fun scenarios to deal with!
To make things worse, all gramps does is talk about the good ol’ days. Kind of like how grandpa Phil insists on the triangle offense and how many championships it has won him. What’s worse is Phil acknowledges the game has changed, but he won’t change. I’m guessing this isn’t going to end well with Phillip in New York.
Another interesting scenario is when grandpa gets the itch to get back into the work force. You instantly know this isn’t the greatest idea Old Man Winter has conjured up and you can already see him getting shit canned before orientation day is over. Whether it’s because he forgot about sexual harassment rules or feels women should be in the kitchen, you know it’s only a matter of time before an embarrassing incident occurs with grandpa at the center of it.
Alright, to be fair to the Zen Master, he’s not exactly Isiah Thomas in the workplace. But to be fair to Isiah, at least he was at the workplace…
The squeaky clean high school friend who’s over his head during his freshman year at college
We all have that friend that didn’t party much and focused more on his studies, athletics and maybe even attended church during high school. Nevertheless, we all liked this friend because he was pretty good at sports and didn’t annoy the shit out of us during lunch or class by shooting spit balls or drawing dick pictures on our necks.
However, the studious and polite friend we all have, immediately was over his head during his freshman year at college. The deer in the headlights look seemed to be permanently fixture on his face – pretty much like every game of Derek Fisher’s first season with the Knicks.
Being the good friend that you are – or you wanted to just scope out the hot ass walking through campus, you decide to visit him and see what he’s talking about. You want to suggest joining a fraternity, but that could lead your homesick friend to an experience that has him running naked through the quad to the gymnasium…or something like that. And nobody needs to worry about a dude that is going to get hammered off three Zimas doing that.
You really have no clue how this is going to end for your friend and you hope he gets a new roommate that isn’t kicking the door down at 4 in the morning hammered looking for a piece of ass. The same can be said for D-Fish. Fisher is running an offense he probably wishes he could scrap or modify, but he has been brought in under Phil to teach the
band of morons Knicks how to successfully run an offense not used by any of the other 29 NBA teams.
Just like your homeboy needs a new roommate, coach Fisher might need a new general manager that allows him to run whatever offense he wants. The longer it takes for the latter to happen, the more insane your friend and Fisher may become. You just hope your homie from high school doesn’t lose his shit and become a loose cannon over his cultural shock. On the other hand, seeing Fisher lose his shit by throwing a chair into the stands where Phil Jackson is sitting, could break every social media outlet that exists. Not to mention this would overtake Jeff Van Gundy swinging around on Alonzo Mourning’s leg as the best unintentional comedy moment in Knicks history!
Yes, J.R. Smith was sent packing, but he was on the Knicks for a solid chunk of the year, thus that makes him eligible. Plus, how could I not add J.R. SWISH? The parallels are almost scary when comparing Smith to the dunce friend we all have.
We can agree that the cornball friend I am alluding to in our click can be described as a nut job who has talent, but maybe not a brain that works all the time. This goes for just about any situation in life. Whether he’s making off-putting comments in school/workplace or trying to talk his way out of cheating when his girl catches him, he’s a ticking time bomb that can go off at any moment. Yet somehow he still will have his moments like scoring high on the SAT test or acing an interview that leads to a promotion that surprise the hell out of you. As we all can attest to, the latter doesn’t happen very often. There is a better chance he gets shitfaced the night before his big interview and shows up two hours late because he forgot to set his alarm.
Before we move on from Smith, there is one more version of this friend or acquaintance that we have all experienced. This experience is one of the few things in life that has had you at least contemplate assault. I’d say murder, but hopefully you’re not that competitive.
This would be the guy in your local YMCA basketball league or any pickup hoops location that believes he’s Carmelo Anthony when he laces up his kicks.
If it’s a hoops league, you might get lucky and not be on his team in which case you can sit back and enjoy the show. The show being the facial expressions his teammates make running back on defense because Jordan Jr. took his 37th shot of the game.
But the real catastrophe is the pickup hoops game. Maybe you’re lucky and you get picked on a different team. But, maybe you don’t get lucky and you have to “shoot ’em up” as it’s commonly referred to when picking teams.
And the dilemma starts…
If you’ve made your free throw and he gets an opportunity to make his shot that would put him on your team, you literally start praying this ball hog bricks the shot like he so often does during games. However, if this jack-shot artist has already made his free throw and you’re staring at the notion of either playing on his team or having to sit out, that’s where the dilemma starts. Do you miss on purpose and have to sit out or say screw it and prepare to play a lot of defense while watching shots go up that aren’t from you?
For anyone that’s played hoops, you know exactly what I’m talking about. If you’re on this dude’s team, he dominates the ball and you’ll be watching a slew of contested shots while standing in the corner wide open.
Outside of all this, I am very high on J.R. Swish…no pun intended with the “high” part.
The co-worker/friend that’s always sick or hurts himself at every pickup hoops game
The friend that always hurts himself playing pickup hoops and the co-worker that calls in sick frequently.
We all have been in the situation where we are playing recreational hoops and either a teammate or opposing player is constantly on the ground. His “injuries” range from “I think I broke my leg” to him screaming “I snapped my neck!” Then, fast forward about 10 minutes, and this dude is back in the game leading the fast break.
The work version of this is when Jimmy is forming a nice habit of catching the dreaded stomach bug. This is really code for “Jimmy had a few too many Coors Lights” at dart night. Nevertheless, you’re stuck at work late on a Friday night to make up for being a man down. Oddly enough, Jimmy’s untimely sickness seems to reoccur every other Friday.
But like Amar’e Stoudemire, Jimmy is pretty cool when he is at work and productive. Sometimes you even think this guy has what it takes to be a boss. But then the inevitable sick day happens and just like STAT, you realize this will never end.
The hot chick that would struggle reading a Dr. Seuss book
Like Andrea Bargnani, this chick could be from another country. The hot foreign exchange chick is a staple in most high schools, but this can also be Kimberly, the smoking hot girl who has it all except common sense. You probably could add intelligence to this list in many instances just like you could Bargnani on the basketball court.
Christ, watching Andrea (ironically a chick’s name) go up and down the court with the face of a clueless moron makes me want to chuck the remote at the television.
Conversely, the slamming girl in your school makes one bad decision after another when it comes to guys. It drives you insane, but you know you don’t have a shot with her. The good thing for her is that she knows how to get through school flaunting herself and probably will marry some rich dude and be set for life – pretty much like Bargnani earning $70 million smackeroos throughout his 8 1/2 years in the NBA. This all coming despite being perpetually injured, a defensive liability and forgetting how to shoot. Other than that, he’s as good as it gets!
The work version of this isn’t as lucky as hot Kimberly from high school. Yeah, she can flirt with the boss and get away with a few more things, but chances are she’s not in charge of a Fortune 500 company. However, the shitty part is that she’ll end up shacking up with one of rich bigwigs and get a nice cozy office with a solid raise. Shit, she might even end up marrying the fool and enjoy the fruits of his labor the rest of her life.
Most of us aren’t fans of this girl just like we aren’t fans of the basketball version of Andrea…Bargnani.
The older brother/popular kid in school that can do no wrong and eventually lands a six figure job
While you might not be able to relate to the aforementioned Knicks players and brass in comparison with your friends and family, chances are you have that family member or friend that was “The chosen one.” While I’m not sure Carmelo Anthony is the basketball equivalent of this, he is certainly the chosen one on the Knicks.
This typically is the older brother or popular jock in school that seemingly gets preferential treatment by your parents or teachers and has it all going for him. He’s the star basketball player, quarterback on the football team and bags all the hot girls. He’s a jock, but not some offensive lineman that is going to attend a JUCO college before moving into construction for the next 40 years of his life. This dude is headed for success and he knows it.
Like the Knicks brass still giving Melo a max deal (or close enough) despite Anthony taking a tinker tape parade of recruitment visits throughout the NBA, you have the same friend/family member in your life that can basically do what he wants without fear of any consequences. This could even be a co-worker. This dude is so well liked that he can screw up at work or be allowed to leave the cubical early because he has a job interview somewhere else and he receives no repercussions.
The older brother version of this is when he skips school to go booze on the beach with some friends and still manages to play in Friday’s big game. Your parents brush it off with some lame line of how it wasn’t his fault, he just wanted to make sure his friends didn’t drive drunk. And even if your parents or school board do lash out and discipline Mr. Popular, it’s nothing more than a slap on the hand.
You’ll run into this guy 20 years down the road at a super market or ball game and he’ll be super condescending. This can also be the co-worker that was an intern and now has a highfalutin job title that is banking him six figures in just a few short years.
To sum it up. This dude is just better at life than us. And just like Anthony, he can suck at every aspect of his life moving forward and still will have the hot wife and boatloads of cash coming in that you will never experience.
Boy, this just put me in a happy mood!