Alec Baldwin dished out some NFL-style comedy for the opening act of the second annual “NFL Honors” award show, and it was spectacular.
Baldwin hosted the awards show for the second consecutive year, and cracked some hilarious jokes. Here’s the video of the performance, followed by some of my favorite highlights.
– Baldwin came out with eye black stickers on and attempted Ray Lewis’ famed pre-game squirrel dance. After grabbing a piece of turf, sniffing it, and throwing it up in the air, Baldwin clutched his back. “That hurt more than I thought it would. That deer urine spray doesn’t really work, does it?”
– In his intro, Baldwin says at first he wasn’t going to return to host, but then “they hit me with the franchise tag.”
– After pointing out the fact that he’s performing in front of guys that all want to be playing on Sunday, he says JJ Watt is like the son of Rocky (Balboa) and (Ivan) Drago.
– Baldwin says of New Orleans: “It’s been pretty exciting to be here in New Orleans. Things have been pretty out of control in the French Quarter. Drinking, partying, nudity… and that’s just Rob Gronkowski.” Gronk proceeded to smile, wave… and then fist pump. “Gronk is in town, continuing his rehab. Only one armed keg stands for him this week.”
– Baldwin went on to say that no one knows the Saints’ bounty scandal never existed more than NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. He also said that Goodell has been wearing Drew Brees all week. Not his jersey, but actually wearing Drew Brees himself. Goodell seemed to flow with the crowd’s laughter.
– Baldwin next complimented the rookie quarterbacks, and the adversity they went through. saying Andrew Luck had to overcome a “debilitating neck beard”, Russell Wilson “threw for more than 3,00 yards… but that also meant more than 3,000 hugs from Pete Carroll”, and Robert Griffin III (Baldwin calls him “poor RG3”) discovered that there were commercials that he was not in!
– When Baldwin starts talking about Adrian Peterson’s and Peyton Manning’s comeback year, Baldwin said Brett Favre woke up after he said the word comeback. “Go back to sleep.”
– Baldwin then says Peyton Manning stopped feeling the pain “right around” when Colorado legalized marijuana, and that Peterson’s comeback regiment included putting a football team on his back and carrying it for four months. All sounds adequately accurate.
– Baldwin said Peterson’s nine yards shot of Eric Dickerson’s record was like a first down to a replacement ref.
– Baldwin said it’d be corruption if Archie Manning was the mayor of New Orleans, but then said he was kidding, because New Orleans is “clean, like Ndamukong Suh’s game.” Ouch. Reaction: “Ooohhh. *Laughs*”
– Baldwin says Larry Fitzgerald didn’t show up to the show, which gives him much more in common with the rest of the Cardinals offense. Man, this guy is spot on.
– Baldwin on why Jim Harbaugh is so intense most of the time: “He’s been trying to pass a kidney stone the last 20 years.” He also said the he wants to see the post-game handshake between the two end in: “Mom always liked me better!”
– His best joke of the night came when talking about Colin Kaepernick, saying he was the most famed “inked” quarterback since Terry Bradshaw wrote left and right on his arms. When talking about Kapernicking, Baldwin said getting blind-sided by the coach’s cart is called “Alex-Smithing” and Christian Ponder trademarked “Pondering”, where he stands, doing nothing, while watching how magnificent Peterson is. Peterson smiled and shook his head.
After that performance, there’s no reason Baldwin shouldn’t be back for a third year in 2014.
Follow Christian Hardy on Twitter for all things football — @CHardySports