APRIL FOOLS: Bryce Harper Arrested in Steroid Bust
— Rawlings Sports (@RawlingsSports) February 19, 2014
We knew there was some fishy stuff goin’ on in there, but this, this was legen…wait for it…dary, legendary! We got three of Major League Baseball’s biggest names red handed with a crapload of muscle drugs and needles and even a gun! That Harper fella cried like a baby as soon as we approached, I’m surprised he didn’t wet himself. Crazy stuff, all thanks to my police work, you’re welcome America, I’ll have t-shirts for sale on my Twitter page later today.
Zimmerman, Rodriguez and Harper were all charged with several counts of possession of a controlled substance with intent to deliver (due to the quantity). Sucart was charged with delivering a controlled substance. All four men are being held without bail in a Brooklyn holding cell. Channel Four reporter Brian Fantana spoke briefly with Rodriguez, Harper and Zimmerman while they were being brought into custody. Fantana tells Reading Between the Seams that he was contacted directly by Officer Stinson who basically paraded the men around when bringing them in. Rodriguez blamed his behavior on Bud Selig and the New York Yankees. He told Fantana:
If Mr. Selig wasn’t such a coward and wasn’t so afraid of all of the good I have done for this game, I would have never been suspended. The Yankees railroaded me about my injury and then begged ‘Buddy Boy’ to kick me out forever. I need to earn a paycheck. My beautiful daughters have become accustomed to certain things in life and I need a way to provide for them.
Harper was openly weeping when speaking to Fantana. He was very upset about the recent player poll that rated him as the most overrated player in all of baseball:
These jerks think that I’m overrated? I’m a monster. That poll was a ridiculous farce by individuals who wish they had my level of skill. It was a clown poll bro. I am the face of baseball and you jerks are going to have to deal with it. I needed the extra edge to prove to these clowns that I’m the best bro. I’m Bryce Harper, the best dang baseball player that ever lived
Zimmerman refused to comment on his involvement in the situation but he did poke fun at Harper before asking for his lawyer:
Oh Brycey-Poo, how could you? Crying like a little baby… He looks like a damn fool Man up [hand quotes] “bro”. I need my lawyer, I’m done talking.
Officer Stinson will be signing autographed mug shots of the four men outside of the 19th precinct at 5:00 PM this evening. For more information on this case as at breaks, be sure to follow Channel Four’s live coverage! Nicholas Persichilli Reading Between the Seams Part of the Sports-Kings Network Like us on Facebook Follow @Gooberstatus
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This is hopefully an obvious April Fools’ Day prank. As far as I know, NONE of the events listed above ever happened.
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