Top 10 Reasons College Football Sucks

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Columnist: Pat Nicoloff

10. The Timing: It’s the weekend. Football season. You flip the TV on, oh nice, here’s a game with a brown leather pill being tossed around. The initial reaction is ‘yes, this is good.’ Then comes the letdown. ‘Wait a minute, this isn’t football. There’s all these noodle-armed quarterbacks and horse-shit plays being called. I’ve been duped!’  The football fan wants to like this game, impersonating the good one, played one day prior. But the football fan cannot do this. This game’s boring, infested with people that can’t run routes, and generally a sloppy mess. College football is an impostor and it’s a major letdown before Sundays. It’s the “Pro Bowl” coming the week before the Super Bowl. It just doesn’t jive the natural flow of things. So, therefore it must be ignored. This game is better suited for Tuesday afternoons and Wednesdays at 3 in the morning.

9. Geeky Student Sections: The camera always hits the student section. Trouble is we get to see the geeks in the front row. Trouble with these gems is that they’re the people that got there two hours early while everyone else tailgated. They paint their face, do weird hand gestures, and generally display assinine sobriety at its peak. It’s geeky, embarassing, and painful. Pan about 30 rows back please and gimmie the fans that have their pockets packed full of beer and shots. Then, I may get more in the mood and enjoy the atmosphere from a better perspective. Couple geek shots and I’m wincing, then turning the channel.
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8. The players get screwed: Not much explanation needed here. Triple A baseball players play in front of a couple hot dog eaters and they get dollars in their bank accounts. College football players who fill 100,000 seat stadiums face being demonized for taking money under the table. All the while, coaches make money, colleges make money, athletic directors make money, and the announcers make money. I’m pretty sure fans aren’t there to see any of the people actually profitting. To those with a 4 year career in football and no NFL future, how can we fault them? An amateur league needs  to spring up, so this rotting system can finally disintegrate. Start putting teams in the same cities as colleges and set the age requirement at 18 and up. Then kids can finally collect a check from the abuse they put on their bodies prior to making it to the big time. In the mean time, this is criminal.
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7. Boosters: These guys help compensate for the players getting screwed, which is sensible. The problem is this culture creates a culture that just self-perpetuates. It leaves the little guys with less testosterone-fueled alums out in the cold. All them good southern boys care much more about their schools, so therefore, their schools get a pile of top recruits every year. It’s not a coincidence. Oh, what do you know, another freak athlete just went to LSU? If players were paid in broad daylight, above the table, and an equal amount at any D-1 school, then maybe every kid wouldn’t go to the backwards, back country towns like Tuscaloosa. Maybe, just maybe they’d actually pick a coach they like instead. And then maybe, just maybe the more creative coaches would have more to work with. And parity would appear, here and there. In the mean time, Jack Daniels-fueled dweebs with cash to burn will decide how the pieces align.

6. Cupcake matchups: I buy season tickets to see Arizona State play. Ok, let’s see how we start things off? Temple, you say? Oh, that’s entertaining. Nothing I’d love more than to see Tempe get lambasted by 60 points to start the  year. The common practice of setting up cuppies to start the season and throughout the year gives fans a shitty product. Why, in a competitive sport, would you allow a school to set it’s own out of conference schedule? No thank you.
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5. The Option: This is no way to treat fans that have paid to get into your building. I’d rather lose without it than win with it. It’s just awful. It’s like admitting you lack the ability to throw an out-route. It says, ‘hey I’ve got a bunch of idiots that can’t run routes, so here comes this simple, pre-passing era play.’ It sucks. Get rid of it. In the mean time, turn it into a flea flicker every few years please.
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4. Jesse Palmer: ESPN has decided to help spread the college game to the masses with…Jesse Palmer. Wow,
that’s sheer brilliance. Unless, they are purposely trying to keep college interest down, I’m not sure I follow.The NFL spares no expense on the network: Gruden, Jaws, Schefter, Parcells, and so on. While Jesse Palmer speaks about his sport with the expertise of a cheerleader. I’ve tried to listen and it just makes me like the game less. Monotone and reading off cue cards is what it appears.
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3. Notre Dame: I get the fact that NBC higher-ups have connections to the school, so they put ‘em on TV
for no apparent reason. Well, this isn’t pleasant. They’re terrible all the time. We get choked full of
their “lore” and all that each week. Then, the games consistently display awful football. Like watching
high school with a big, drunk crowd behind it. I’d rather have the camera display 3 hours from the tailgate party.
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2. The SEC: Listen, cool, you’ve got a bunch of good prospects. I like that if I’m an NFL GM. But I’d
have some intern cut out clips of the player I’m looking for. 17 to 11 isn’t an entertaining game. I do
not enjoy a series of 3 and outs and dump off passes in the name of great defense. This division is full
of sassy-frassing conservative play callers. Sucks.
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1. The Announcers: They’re bad. I heard one in the booth for UCLA-Texas say, “let’s see if UCLA
can keep away from self-inflicted wounds to themselves.” That doesn’t really help your so-so product. That’s actually embarrassing. It’s clear college doesn’t require the sharpest tools in the shed. So if NFL announcers bother you, college ones will torture you. Crew after crew of idiots yap.

One Response to Top 10 Reasons College Football Sucks

  • You forgot one thing: no playoffs. Why should I care about a “sport” where the SEC champion is pre-ordained to be in the “championship game” every year?

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