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#20: Adam Morrison:
Position: Small Forward, 6-8, 205 lbs
Drafted: Charlotte Bobcats, 1st Round (#3 overall)
Teams: Charlotte Bobcats, Los Angeles Lakers, Washington Wizards.
Not only has Morrison been a complete bust at the pro level but, he also draws a striking resemblance to the Geico Caveman. Unfortunately for Adam, the Geico Caveman is far more successful in his career path and probably does a bit better with the ladies. Especially if any of them have seen tape from the 2006 NCAA tournament.
#19: Latrell Sprewell:
Position: Shooting Guard, 6-5, 190 lbs
Drafted: Golden State Warriors, 1st Round (#24 overall)
Teams: Golden State Warriors, New York Knickerbockers, Minnesota Timberwolves.
Sprewell was pretty famous for saying he wouldn’t feed his family until his contract negotiations went through. My problem, and what I consider to be the real story here is…. Who the hell slept with Latrell? Sprewell always reminded me of a cross between Samuel L. Jackson and a Pekingese dog. Having Sprewell’s children takes a very brave woman, or collection of insane.. Err, I mean brave women.
#18: Shelden Williams:
Position: Power Forward, 6-9, 250 lbs
Drafted: Atlanta Hawks, 1st Round (#5 overall)
Teams: Atlanta Hawks, Sacramento Kings, Minnesota Timberwolves, Boston Celtics, Denver Nuggets, New York Knickerbockers.
What was Candace Parker thinking? Did she just choose the goofiest looking pro athlete she could find, and say, I’m making babies with that guy. I mean, was she purposely trying to dilute the gene pool by mating with a lesser male? I just don’t get it. I’m sure Lebron would hit that. We could have had a stellar basketball player in 20 years. So, not only is Sheldenstein immensely ugly, but he screwed up the next mega-star by agreeing to reproduce with a fellow athlete so far out of his league. GOD!
#17: Shawn Bradley:
Position: Center, 7-6, 235 lbs
Drafted: Philadelphia 76ers, 1st Round (#2 overall)
Teams: Philadelphia 76ers, New Jersey Nets, Dallas Mavericks.
Not only is Bradley incredibly ugly and pale, but his best contribution to the NBA during his career was getting yacked on many times. The ironic thing is, because he was constantly dunked on, Bradley is probably in dozens of NBA posters, hanging on thousands of walls, world-wide.. How many ugly ass dudes can boast that?
#16: Lebron James:
College: St. Vincent-St. Mary High School
Position: Small Forward, 6-8, 240 lbs
Drafted: Cleveland Cavaliers, 1st Round (#1 overall)
Teams: Cleveland Cavaliers, Miami Heat.
As I scrolled through the other lists similar to this one, I found that of the many lists I skimmed over, none of them featured Lebron James. Does he get a pass because of his talent? He’ll get no such pass from me. Lebron James is about as ugly as one person can get without being chased around by the townsfolk with torches and pitch forks.
#15: D.J. Mbenga:
Position: Center, 7-0, 245lbs
Drafted: Not Drafted
Teams: Dallas Mavericks, Golden State Warriors, Los Angeles Lakers, New Orléans Hornets.
After 26 years of searching. We’ve finally done it. Well, I’ve finally done it. I found Sloth from the Goonies! Turns out Sloth grabbed a tan and took his talents to the NBA. Mbenga looks like a cross between a bat (the winged animal) and somebody who got hit by a bat (the wooden kind, used for hitting a baseball). Sloth.. Err.. Mbenga is also very fond of Tacos, or Dacos as he pronounces it. HEY YOU GUYS!
#14: Donyell Marshall:
Position: Power Forward, 6-9, 218
Drafted: Minnesota Timberwolves, 1st Round (#4 overall)
Teams: Minnesota Timberwolves, Golden State Warriors, Utah Jazz, Chicago Bulls, Toronto Raptors, Cleveland Cavaliers, Seattle Supersonics, Philadelphia 76ers.
He looks like a very mutated and weathered version of Ludacris. Why does Marshall have such a small face and huge facial features? He looks like what would happen if you bought a miniature Mr. Potato Head doll and used normal sized Mr. Potato Head nose, eyes, ears and lips on it.
#13: Gheorghe Muresan:
College: Cluj University
Position: Center, 7-7, 303 lbs
Drafted: Washington Bullets (Wizards), 2nd Round (30th overall)
Teams: Washington Bullets, New Jersey Nets.
This guy is an oversized garden gnome, and the best part is that he’s from Transylvania, which screams creepy! Muresan was also an actor for about 15 seconds, he starred in the movie “My Giant“, alongside Billy Crystal. Talk about two goofy looking dudes eating up quality face time on the big screen.
#12: Derrick Rose:
Position: Point Guard, 6-3, 190 lbs
Drafted: Chicago Bulls, 1st Round (#1 overall)
Teams: Chicago Bulls
Ever wonder what would happen if Hip-Hop artist Nelly, had a nasty food allergy? Derrick Rose may be the hottest player in the league right now, but he’s also one of the ugliest active players I can think of. I guess I never noticed being that Rose is so quick on the court. But this dude truly has one of the ugliest mugs that I’ve ever saw!
#11: Reggie Evans:
Position: Power Forward, 6-8, 245 lbs
Drafted: Not Drafted
Teams: Seattle Supersonics, Denver Nuggets, Philadelphia 76ers, Toronto Raptors.
Evans looks like a giant troll with a half-assed Kimbo Slice beard. This guy needs major dental work but, it seems as if he spends most of his cash on shaving cream and fresh razors. Except he’s forgotten which end of his head to shave. Reggie’s beard looks like it has it’s own civilization of weird bugs living inside of it, and for that, he receives our permission to bathe!
#10: Dennis Rodman:
Nationality: Martian, err… American
College: Southeastern Oklahoma State
Position: Power Forward
Drafted: Detroit Pistons, (2nd Round (#27 overall)
Teams: Detroit Pistons, San Antonio Spurs, Chicago Bulls, Los Angeles Lakers, Dallas Mavericks.
Dennis, Dennis, Dennis.. Where do I begin? Rodman is naturally ugly and has decided to dedicate his life to becoming more and more unattractive with each passing day. I’ve never seen such a case before in my life. Rodman actually goes the extra mile when if come to looking like a freak. Between the multiple piercings, dressing in drag and wearing funny shit, Rodman really optimizes the freak look!
#9: Popeye Jones:
College: Murray State
Position: Power Forward, 6-8, 250 lbs
Drafted: Houston Rockets, 2nd Round (#41 overall)
Teams: Houston Rockets, Toronto Raptors, Boston Celtics, Denver Nuggets, Washington Wizards, Dallas Mavericks, Golden State Warriors.
Wow! Popeye Jones may take the goofiest EVER award. He’s pretty ugly, but I’d say he falls more under the goofy category, which is why I have him ranked at 9, versus most lists that find him in the top 3. Easily sporting the silliest ears in the game! Jones sort of reminds me of the Ferengi race from Star Trek. Is it just me or do Popeye’s eyes have a constant look of staring through a peep-hole? I swear to god that I’m becoming more and more freaked out as I sit here and type this, while looking at his picture.. Time to move on!
#8: Joakim Noah:
Position: Center, 6-11, 235 lbs
Drafted: Chicago Bulls, 1st Round (#9 overall)
Teams: Chicago Bulls
Like Popeye Jones, Noah strikes me as more goofy than ugly, but there is no denying that he makes this list. The path to becoming the starting center for the Bulls has been a long one for Noah. He left his home planet of Kashyyyk in 2007 to become the first of the Wookie species to be drafted into the NBA. I swear to god, if Noah were to grow a beard, you’d have absolutely no way of telling him and Chubaka apart. Noah is making the strides though, and has even become great pals with NBA superstar, Dwight Howard, the two recently spent the day at Disney World together.
#7: Delonte West:
College: St. Josephs
Position: Point Guard, 6-4, 180 lbs
Drafted: Boston Celtics, 1st Round (#24 overall)
Teams: Boston Celtics, Seattle Supersonics, Cleveland Cavaliers.
Delonte West has a face only a mother could love, and by that I do mean Lebron James’ mother. Lebron must have been mortified, I mean, of all the NBA players Gloria James has at her disposal, she chooses this guy! It’s disgusting, Delonte West looks like a leprechaun, and the worst part is, Ireland called and they aren’t claiming this guy. I’ve always wondered what the hell that is on the lower left corner of West’s mouth? can somebody please clarify?
#6: Chris Kaman:
College: Central Michigan
Position: Center, 7-0, 268 lbs
Drafted: Los Angeles Clippers 1st Round (#6 overall)
Teams: Los Angeles Clippers.
Kaman looks like a cross between a homeless guy and the snow monster that took Luke Skywalker hostage in The Empire Strikes Back. I understand that you’re rich, but seriously, go groom yourself. He looks like he’s been playing WOW for a week straight, fresh bed sores popping up everywhere. Seriously Woogie, you need to head back to Florida and return Mary’s shoes, SICKO!
#5: Calvin Booth:
College: Penn State
Position: Center, 6-11, 230 lbs
Drafted: Washington Wizards, 2nd Round (#35 overall)
Teams: Washington Wizards, Seattle Supersonics, Dallas Mavericks, Milwaukee Bucks, Philadelphia 76ers, Minnesota Timberwolves, Sacramento Kings.
This guys freaks me out. He has the flattest and longest face I’ve ever seen and he has adult braces. If you are 35 years old and your teeth are still in need of braces, it’s time to figure out an alternative route, Calvin. His head looks like an upside down bowling pin, and those ears are so long and flat, I just want to use them as skipping stones. This guy truly gives me the creeps!